I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You had me at “define legal”.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.