If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.