Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended