Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us