Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
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The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work