villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”