me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Do one person every day that scares you.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain