how to have an accident 101
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*