our love story in four pictures
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan