Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.