I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.