If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Aight bet
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
marvel comics have peaked
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!