Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me, reading some of your tweets
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.