This is true.
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Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
become ungovernable
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife