3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When you’ve simply given up.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.