Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
Cha-ching is my safe word
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
🤣🤣🤣
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.