Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.