Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”