As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Good advice.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Oh boy, $150,000!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.