Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.