They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Holy crap this is wonderful
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Sponch
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.