“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’m having an out of money experience.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The internet is full of many things
WTF
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three