[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.