Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……