THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.