back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
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Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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