you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
You Might Also Like
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
#SaturdayBears
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.