*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*struts into the new year
~ trips
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants