Still cracks me up
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I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Best spot.. 😅
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist