One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings