My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
when someone rings the doorbell
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere