Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

you know what ruined my childhood? children

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.