If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
The Joker was right
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?