I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You Might Also Like
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.