Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When he asks for feet pics
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”