We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.