After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Sharon I have some bad news
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.