[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”