A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.