Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.