Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Who’s your best friend?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.