I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
79.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The government even made aliens boring
*jazz hands*
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.