I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.