Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…