A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!