I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.