My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?