Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
live long and prosper!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.