Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.