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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.